In response to einen's guestbook entry.

I have sought help. I went to the school counselor once, but found it not the least bit useful at all. HY was right, it's just like talking to a friend, a friend who can only listen but not able to do much by way of helping you or even providing insight on why you think and act the way you do. That's why I discontinued the sessions. I felt that I could beat this food thing on my own, and I still do, actually. Only I haven't yet reached the end of my tether, the point where I decide that I've had enough.

My rational self isn't all dead and cold yet. I can think how destructive it is to my mental and emotional well-being, I can see how silly I'm being overly upset after consuming more pizza that I should have. I can see how it really shouldn't matter at all. But where this food thing is concerned? It's all about control like I've said so often. I like the sense of control I feel I possess everytime I see the needle dip, everytime I successfully restrict myself from eating more than I'd allowed myself to. It's a very anorexic mindset to have, but I can't rid myself of it all the same. I like that feeling. And like she said:

Hell, when you can't be charismatic, interesting, or even really beautiful, at least you can be thin, right?

All beauty needs to manifest is confidence. But confidence is rare. The eating disordered mind makes a connection between thinness and confidence. We strive to be thin because we believe that it will make us feel better about ourselves. When it doesn't, we merely try to be thinner. And thinner. Because we obviously aren't good enough yet, if we don't feel good about ourselves, right?

But it's completely fucking wrong. It's ignorance in the first degree.

And until I learn to realise that, I have to keep feeding this sad addiction. Pun not intended.