Oh dang! This is entry 403. I missed my own 400th entry anniversary! I'm a bad horrible person. *whomp*

I just need to mope for about 5 seconds and I'll be okay. I did write a proper entry in the morning though. Need I give your further instructions?

Have 4 hour break tomorrow. Thinking of dropping by the school counsellor's office. You know what they say, prevention is better than cure. This whole day has been one drawn out binge. This battle with food is making me very very weary, and I sure as hell don't want it affecting my studies. I f*cking hate my size, and I abhor the lack of control where food is concerned. I just checked it up on the NUS website and it says that I have to make an appointment. Appointment, bad. I want the freedom of dropping by as and when I like. Oh well. It's better than nothing. Shall drop them an email right away, before I chicken out.

I guess I should be grateful that I can sometimes look at myself objectively and see what I'm doing to myself, it's like a safety net that catches me before I fall too far and too hard. it has failed me before and sometimes I really wonder if I have really managed to patch up the gaping hole in my life that opened up 5 months ago. It's been 5 months. 5 months is a substantial amount of time, but sometimes, just sometimes, the pain is as fresh and raw as when it just happened. I can deal, most of the time. I just wonder that if all this self-destruction is a manifestation of the pain, the pain that hasn't really yet been relieved because all I want is to forget and therefore disallow myself to grieve proper. Grieve proper and get it over and done with.